The Future

I wish I knew a fortune teller. Someone that could tell me my future, and be telling the truth. That way, I could know what's coming, especially when it comes to Grace.

She's 15 months old, and just learned to crawl on hands and knees. And that is so awesome. I couldn't be a happier mommy. She's like my drug of choice. Seriously. She gives me such awesome highs, and I can just be around her all the time, helping her through her life. But even though I'm so excited about the highs, and about her accomplishments, I still hurt when I see what she can't do. I know that there are so many parents out there with special children that feel the same way, and I'm going to have to just get over it, but today seems to be an especially hard day, and I just need to post about it so I can let it go. So I can get the jumbled words out of my head and into some sort of form. I want her to walk. I want it so bad. If I could give something up so she'd walk, I would. I'd give my sight, my hearing, my ability to walk...anything. I see the children around her walking that are younger or her age, and it just tears through my heart. And yesterday, maybe it's just my imagination, but I could have swore that when one of the children looked at her and then walked off, that look read, "you're slow." I know. I'm probably going insane. But having to hear the "poor Grace" and seeing the children run off and leave her behind, it's brutal. It's like, taking her to church on Sundays is my own personal torture system. I want her to interact with the children, even though I know it's going to hurt. But they, being the therapists, won't do anything to help with the walking until she's 18 months old and she won't try a walker until she's bigger. They don't make them that small. Gosh. A walker. Nothing against children that use them, I just never knew my own daughter might need one. The therapist says she doesn't want to give one to Grace yet because she doesn't want her becoming dependent on it, and that makes sense. But maybe if she realizes she can walk with the walker, she will be more willing to let go a bit and try it out on her own!

What does the future hold? I wish I could know. Even just a tidbit of information would be good. We bought Grace an ATV for Christmas. One of the little princess ones that goes like 2 mph. I am hoping she can use that to get around outside because I want her to be more independent in her mobility. But will she understand that pushing the button will make her go? Or will I have to rig it so I can push it while walking beside her? Why is it that a little bit of future can't be given? Like, a one time offer? But if that were the case, it would have already been used up with the question of, "will I ever get pregnant..."