Tough Day

Some days are just tough.  Grace, you get bored and you don't know how to play with toys, have an imagination with them or entertain yourself and it's a real struggle for me sometimes because I need to see that maturity in you.  I want so badly for you to be able to entertain yourself so you can see that it's ok to be independent.  And when I get stressed because of Levi, or because I'm tired, or for whatever reason, you can definitely read it on me and for some reason, wants to push a button.  I struggle so much with myself to not say no, to not tell you to go away, to give me space, or anything like that.  But oh my gosh!  We struggle with each other, and definitely butt heads.  I love you so much...so so much, but this is hard sweet girl.  You don't deserve having all this time stolen from you, and for some reason, we were sent a little boy that just struggles to be happy.  

We need to figure something out Grace.  We need to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.  He needs to be happy and sleep solid hours, and I really need you to be able to entertain yourself for chunks of time so I can have a break.  I know a lot of the stress is coming from me.  I know that, sweet girl.  We'll get through this.  Mama is just tired.  I love you.

Amanda

Budget Meeting

Seriously...where does the time GO?!  I can't believe it's already Thursday!  So, quick recap.  Tuesday Grace's home intervention therapist didn't come because she was "sick," Wednesday Grace had a great day at school and an even better day at gymnastics!!!  She walked across the beam by herself for the first time!!!!  I mean, she's done it before but just a little bit here and there, but after class Coach Cheyenne took her out onto the beam and they whipped it out!

I am SO GLAD Grace LOVES gymnastics!!  What a fun girly :)  I love watching her, especially when she's having fun.  And she loves running to me and kissing me here and there.  I hope she always loves me so much.

Thursday we had the budget meeting and for the most part, all went well.  It's just a stressful event and I'm really glad it's over with, Grace will have 8 hours of therapy (at home) a week (2 hours a day except Thursday) and then her typical 3 hour block of therapy on Thursday, and there's room for respite.

So fun!!!

And guess what?  We are getting Grace into soccer!!

Amanda

Preschool Room

I haven't updated the blog about Grace's preschool room for some time so I guess I'll do that now!  It's going to start having some Levi stuff incorporated into it, so I hope sister doesn't mind!!  I really wish we had three single rooms upstairs instead of just her room and the preschool room because, at some point, Levi will move to this one and then where will the preschool stuff be?  I thought about them sharing a room by why if we have the space?  I could move preschool downstairs but I'm just not into going down there...I rarely do!  Any who, pictures!

 Usually, the pink ball and blue/yellow ball aren't there :)  Then it would be less cluttered.

 Grace makes the letters at school and so of course I hang them up!  They rock!

That empty corner will be Levi's.  I bought a mirror today to lay lengthwise along the floorboard, and I'll put some pictures at eye level that are black and white (they help with brain stimulation).

No matter how many times I call it "Preschool room,"  Grace always calls it "Sewing Room."  Silly girl :)

Amanda

Just Hanging Out

SO we don't really do much different than our typical schedule for the week.  Here's the schedule for now until we get it changed on Thursday because of her increased budget...

Sunday: Church and then nothing

Monday: School and then nothing

Tuesday: Therapy in the evening

Wednesday: School and then gym and then nothing

Thursday: Therapy for 3 hours in the morning and then nothing

Friday: School and then nothing

Saturday: Free day

Busy days!

Here's Levi's schedule:

All days the same...

Eat, sleep, poop, cry (not as much!), play, repeat.

Here's some random pictures of us hanging out!

 Levi: 2.5 months old

And my beautiful girl.  I love you so much, Grace.

Amanda

Days FLY!!!

I can't believe how fast the days fly!!!  Sheesh.  Today we did a total overhaul in Grace's room and totally cleaned out her closet.  Wanna see?

Doesn't it look so much nicer?!  WOW.  That's a lot of stuff...the baby bath seat wasn't in there :)

And here's some fun pictures!!

Hurray!!!  I LOVE THIS GIRLY!!!!!

Next week we have the most wonderful meeting in the world...Grace has now qualified for a higher therapy budget because of her new autism diagnosis...more that 4 times the amount she was receiving!  I am so excited, and this is going to be so great for Grace.  SO we'll meet with a government worker on Thursday to set up what money goes to what (Home therapy, respite, supports for gymnastics/soccer/or whatever else she will do this year, family education, etc).

LOVE YOU GRACE!!

Amanda/Mommy

Cancer

A long time ago, when we lived in California, I had a friend who's little daughter was dealing with cancer.  She was only 25 days younger than Grace and sadly, she just couldn't push that cancer away.

She passed away when she was only 15 months old...

And now one of Grace's little preschool classmates is dealing with Medulloblastoma...I never really got to know the family but Grace's asks where her friend is ALL the time, and it's hard to explain to her that she's sick and in the hospital, plus they moved out of state.  

Little ones shouldn't get sick.  It's not fair.

Amanda

Brother time

Grace got to have some fun time with brother today.  She is so good with him, and I'm so proud of her for being so soft, loving and desirous to be with and around him.

 A kiss for brother during tummy time!!!

Admiring each other :)

Oh, and a friend of mine brought me a Jamba Juice unexpectedly and of course I shared it with Grace??  I don't know who was more excited, me or Grace!

Amanda

Gymnastics

What a wonderful day it was today at gymnastics!  Grace has been going to gymnastics since September 2013, and has worked so very hard to accomplish the tasks expected.  Well, this proud mama can share that Grace walked across the beam by herself!!  Of course I didn't have my phone with me and so I couldn't record this grand occasion, but I swear that it's true.  There were times she'd grab her helper, but for the most part...success!  Skittles were really persuasive!

And she got a green ribbon!!

Good job, Grace!!

Amanda

Bad at Updating

2/17/15

Wow...can you tell how crazy life has been by how few of updates there are??????  This should SO be a priority...I'll get better at it, Grace!!

Today was a really crazy day.  We went to Idaho Falls and left at 10 am...we didn't get home until 4 pm...that ENTIRE time, unless he was sleeping, Levi was scream/crying.

A picture to prove it...

He's shirtless because we had taken him to see an ENT and he pooped all the way up his back...bleh.  Anyways...Grace REALLY gets upset with Levi's crying, and I don't blame her.  It stresses her out, she gets really tense, and starts acting out.  Poor girly.  We try our best to comfort her but there really isn't anything we can do about his crying while we're driving.  She did so great, though, dealing with herself and her being tired.  While we were at the ENT office, she sat quietly the entire time, without us prompting her, and looked at a book they had there.  The ENTIRE TIME.  Usually it's her here and there, everywhere, touching everything, pulling open drawers, crying for stickers, etc.  But she was so calm!  I loved it!!!  I was so proud of her, and she told me she was proud of herself, so that's wonderful :)  Oh, it was SO cute...Oh, and some more information.  We went to a meeting for Grace that had to do with her special needs and developmental stuff, and her budget that she gets through the government because of her needs.  Anyways, after the meeting, we are pretty confident that Grace's budget will increase...all the way to the highest amount bracket.  This is going to be SO good for her because that means more than 2 hours of therapy a week.  And what was so cute is that while I was in the meeting for her, Daddy took the two kids to Sonic and got us all lunch!  When I got into the car after I was done, it was so cute to see Grace in the backseat with her little boxed kids lunch, and she was so proud of per lolly pops (tater tots).  She was just so happy to have this cute lunch!

I love my girl so darn much.  And I had such a great evening with her.  She and I shared noodles together for dinner and Levi was calm most of the evening.  When it was time for me to read to Grace, we took Levi in with us in his vibrating bouncy chair and he hung out with us, listening while I read to Grace.  I softly bounced his chair at the foot of the bed and after a while, he fell asleep.

A great night indeed.

Amanda

Tough Day

The day didn't become difficult until later in the day.  This morning went pretty well...for the most part.  I was wanting to get up early enough that I could have some time to really "wake up" and be more willing to work slowly with Grace and her morning wake up charts.  BUT...when you have a 2 month old, things like that just don't go as planned, especially when he's having issues with colic.  So there was rushing going on and that meant frustration on her part.  Thankfully, we had picked her clothes out last night and that helped us get pass the freakout about having to choose a shirt.  It's tough with that because she's got all the coats on the left of her closet, shirts in the middle, and dresses on the right, and if she's given the chance to "choose a SHIRT," then it's very difficult for her to look at JUST the shirts.  It's too overwhelming with all the other items in there.  Anyways, already had stuff picked out.  Then comes the diaper fight... :(  Sometimes she's ok in the morning, but other times preparation for the day is just so difficult.  But I tried to stay positive and finally, the clothes were on.  Next came the fight to brush her hair and put it up.  This is a fight every time, regardless of her mood.  I don't know if it's a sensory issue or just typical child behavior but she does NOT like standing to get her hair brushed.  Thankfully, Daddy was up and he distracted her while I put her hair up.  Shew!  Breakfast came and she did such a great job eating her oatmeal!  Daddy ate with her :)  And I had to nurse Levi so there we went, we were late to school!  I didn't mind, though.  Just have to let some things go, you know.  Grace was super excited because she had collected 10 box tops and that meant she got to turn them into the school office and get a candy!  She got a giant Pixi Stick!  Boy was she so excited!

Grace-  "Mom!!  Let me show you something!"  

Mom- "What do you have, Grace?"

Grace- "Mom, come here (I bent down).  Ok, (clears throat and pushes hair out of face), I dot a CANDY!!!"

Mom- "That is so awesome, Grace!!!"

Off to class we went.  When she got there she showed her teacher, and then there was a bit of a struggle with leaving the candy in the backpack, but when her helper said she got to wash her hands, Grace was over it :)

I had made some appointments for Levi to see if there was any way we can get rid of this crying/screaming stuff.  It REALLY stresses all of us out, Grace included, and all the attention I have to give him means she's being left out and I don't like it.  So when she got out of school and finished at gymnastics, there was no point in putting her to bed because Levi had to see a chiropractor at 2:30. We ended up letting him take a look at Grace but BOY...from the moment we got there, things were crazy.  Levi was constantly crying, Grace was extremely tired and so she couldn't control her body (constantly moving), couldn't listen, wouldn't stop playing with the table (it moved up and down), kept trying to cover Levi's mouth with her hand (she was really stressed from his crying), or getting into the diaper bag (for ANYTHING or nothing).  Fast forward through the "fixing" of the kids and we were off to the ENT.  Grace was very upset because I didn't give her another snack (she had a green kale pack at the chiropractor--like the applesauce packs but organic greens).  When we got to the ENT place I almost exploded!  I went in to sign in and had a screaming baby in the carseat while Daddy and Grace parked the car.  I have to fill out paperwork and am swinging Levi in the carseat as hard as I could (almost horizontal to the ground---don't worry, he likes the sudden motions).  Then Grace and Brad come in and I give the baby to Brad and Grace is constant at my side..."Mom, I want a snack.  Mom.  Mom.  MOM!!  I WANT A SNACK!!!"  Dad gave her candy..."Mom, I want to eat it.  Open please.  Mom...I want the candy!  MOM!"  I asked her over and over to sit down with dad while I filled out paperwork.  Finally I had to use my mean mommy voice and she folded.  Off to the chair she went but it didn't last long...maybe 1 minute.  Back she came...AH!  Fast forward to the appointment.  She did well in the room after I remembered that I told her she could have crackers.  The appointment was all of 5 minutes and then we were off.  They had a toy wall that she could pick a toy from to take home, and so she picked a rubber squishy ball :)  She actually went to bed with it because she likes it so much.  

Now I'll fast forward.  I figured this would be good to show how our days are...

We got home and things were crazy.  I was fried, Brad was as well, Levi was crying again, and Grace was on sensory overload.  I don't remember much of what happened and it's only 11:18 pm, so that tells you just how fried I was.  I think I turned a movie on for her?  I don't quite remember what I did...we had dinner, though.  She didn't eat much and I'm not for arguing with her to finish.  Sometimes I fight it but today I chose my battle, and I chose to retreat.  Don't know what happened between that and bedtime...shew I'm tired!  Brad got her ready for bed because I was so stressed out about the dogs play fighting together and Grace egging them on while the baby slept and I was desperate for him to sleep, which he was doing.  So he took them into her room and got her ready for bed, and then she came to me and told me she was ready for her books.  We read four books together, she let me brush her teeth, kisses and hugs and off to sleep she went!

Now I should be sleeping since Levi is sleeping, but I really needed ME TIME!  Brad and I have been watching our TV shows and here he sleeps.  He had large bowel movements/gas release, so I guess chiropractic stuff does work.  

Well now Levi is stirring, so I guess I better log off.  I'm really hoping to start having the ability to focus more on Grace again, like it used to be.  Thankfully she still tells us she loves us, so we haven't shut her out...but it's just not the same.  I miss my sweet girl.  My friends tell me she's the same and that I'm dealing with immense guilt, and maybe they are right.  I feel so guilty that she doesn't have enough attention.  But it's my view of enough.  Maybe she feels like there's enough?  This is where I wish I could have a full conversation with her and really ask her, "Are you ok about your brother being here?  Do you feel like you are getting enough attention?  Is there anything I can do to help you more?"

I love my girly with all my heart.  I want her to feel that love.  And I'm trying to learn, every day, how to show her positivity instead of my stress and tension.  I hope I'm not going to effect her long term...and I'm hoping she feels our love.

Amanda

POTTY!

Yesterday Grace was able to stay in dry underwear about 2 hours!  She went potty and so we put underwear on her and I constantly asked her if she had to go.  After dinner I asked again and so we went in and she pottied again and wanted to change her underwear...she was DRY!  So I let her change them and she was in underwear for quite some time until it was time for bath and bed.  Great job!!

Amanda

Developments and Updates!

I am so excited to share this information!!!

Grace is doing so great:

• Grace has started dressing herself more often without me having to physically help her.  She still needs help with her shoes sometimes, and there are times that dressing herself is just too annoying, but she's getting better!
• Grace is asking us to change her diaper when she soils it, which is a step closer to potty training.  She will also potty for Daddy and has started showing interest in underwear.
• She can point out the houses of two of her friends.
• She is starting to learn how to tell someone NO when they do something she doesn't like.

Hurray for Grace!!

Amanda

My Big Girl!!

Here's our sweet girl!

Amanda

Fun With Daddy!

Grace LOVES playing with Daddy, and it's so cute to get pictures of it!  So here's a picture!

Amanda

Madagascar Party!

Grace got to go to a party at her therapy facility, and she had such a great time!  It was 3 hours long and she just loves going to these parties. Well, usually when I pick Grace up, she's fine coming home with me.  But this time?  When I finally found her and said, "It's time to go!" she said, "Um...NO!  I want to stay here!  Go away!"  Over and over she told me to leave, and that she wanted to stay.  I'm so glad she had such a great time, but I was a bit hurt she didn't want to come home.  But not too hurt :)

Here's a picture!

Amanda

Community Event!

01/31/15

We had so much fun at a community event that was going on.  It was a snow party and it included a wagon ride, hot cocoa, scores, snow painting, a polar bear swim (which we did NOT do), sledding, and Elsa was there!  But it was just a bit overwhelming for Grace and so we didn't get a photo with Elsa.

Some pictures!!

 We got to go on a wagon ride and Grace had such a great time!  We went on a big wagon pulled by these two mules, and then we went on a two seater wagon with tiny mules :)

We got to have smores.  This was the warmest place in the whole park...oh it felt good!

This was SO FUN for Grace!!!  There was a huge stack of snow and people had hidden plastic coins everywhere inside of it.  Grace had a tough time grabbing the coins because of her puffy gloves, but after a little help she was able to collect three coins!!  She got to get three prizes...a little container of bubbles, a sticky hand, and a rubber duck!

Amanda

What a Sweet Girl!

I got the nicest story from school yesterday about something that Grace did!  They were at recess in the school gym (because it's too cold outside) and Grace saw a little girl that was crying because she didn't have a ball to play with.  So Grace ran to get a ball that was in the corner of the gym and brought it back to her so she wouldn't cry anymore!  What a sweet girl :)  It's nice to hear stories like this about her great days!

Amanda

The Two Little Ones

Here's the two little ones!!!

I love my kids!!

Amanda

Ear Infection

Well, Grace had such a bad ear infection that, for the first time in her lifetime, she woke up and told Daddy that her ear hurt.  And so we pretty much knew it must have been serious if she's actually telling us.  And then today she said it again and pointed to the same ear.  So we went to the doctor at 4:10 and it was a NASTY ear infection.  This time it was so bad he gave us numbing drops to put inside her ears so she wasn't in pain.  And we also got antibiotics.  She gets to go to school!!  I was pretty excited to hear this, as was Grace.  Even though she still has a cough, she hasn't had a fever in 5 days so she's good to go!  We also have two gymnastics classes to make up as well.  Lots to catch up on with Miss Sick Girl!

We didn't go to church this weekend because of the bug we're all getting over.  We just laid low and stayed home.  And quite frankly, we're all so tired of Levi's constant crying and screaming that we wouldn't have lasted three hours in church.  

Amanda

Grace has started hitting again :(  Every time I ask her to do something or deny her something, she tries to slap/hit me.  More digression, and it's probably because of the stress Levi brings on.  It's not easy being around a child that cries and screams every single time he's awake.  The faster he grows out of this "I have colic and I hate the world so I'm going to cry ALL THE TIME" bit, the better.

Time Flies

You can tell by how long it's take me to update that it's been crazy busy around here.  She...can't wait for colic to go away!  And Grace has been sick so we've all been locked up in the house trying to heal.  It's just a cold but it's bad enough that I didn't want to send her to school.  So it's been a lot of hanging around, watching TV, long or no naps, going to bed early or late, and things like this.  Thankfully she's had no fever for two days now so she'll probably be fine to go to school on Monday.  

Not much else has been going on.  Grace has been super cuddly and I absolutely LOVE IT!!!  She has been telling me "I love you SO MUCH" so many times and I absolutely love hearing it.  Oh, and tonight my friend Shannon brought Grace a bunny rabbit and it was hand crocheted.  It is SO CUTE!!  Grace was so excited to see it, and she kept saying over and over that she loved it.  

Some pictures!

I love this little girl :)

Amanda

Talked About Kindergarten

We had a meeting today with Grace's preschool teacher, the school psychologist, speech therapist, general education teacher and the principal of the school she'll be going to.  Just I went because Grace is sick, so Daddy had to stay home with the kids.  I was really hoping we all could go so that the principal could get to know Grace and Brad could ask any questions that he had, but oh well.  She's just got a cough with clear mucus but I didn't want to take a chance getting anyone else sick or anything.  Anyways, she's going to have a full time paraeducator (aide) and so I'm really glad about that because I don't have to worry about her being bullied or wandering off.  The para will still go on the playground with her and so I don't have to worry about her falling while climbing anything.  There is usually about 20 students in the class, 3 adults including Grace's para, and the classwork will be adapted.  That means that if they have to write a certain number of the letter "A," she won't have to write as many.  The para will adapt the classwork on the fly and as she sees fit.  The only hard thing we have found is that she will HAVE to go to each enter in class, whereas with preschool she doesn't have to go to each center.  But I'm going to start having centers here at home to get her used to going from one thing to another, and we are going to use picture schedules here and at school so that she sees what's coming.  I'm so excited!  And the school is close so that I can walk her to school and pick her up.

Grace's home intervention therapist is here now with her and will be until 6 pm.  Levi, of course, is screaming his head off and I tried to deal with him but reached the end, so it's daddy's turn.  But I still hear him screaming so it might be my turn soon.  I can't wait to get over this colic junk.  And Grace will be glad when it's over with as well.  She gets extremely worked up when he cries all the time and tries to comfort him but is just really stressed out by it.  

There's our sweet girly :)

Amanda

Lazy Day

Today was a lazy day.  Daddy and I had a long night with Levi...well, Brad did.  He stayed up until 4 am so that he could feed throughout that time, and so I could get some sleep.  And then I took over.  I was up with Levi until 5:30 am and then Grace was up at 7:30 am, so we stayed in bed and she got to watch some of her fun shows.  Right now she really likes watching Octonauts.  And truthfully, it is pretty cute!  Later in the morning Grace and I went to the library and then to the grocery store, so that was fun to get out with Grace and not have to worry about a fussy little boy.  He stayed home and slept with his daddy.  The rest of the day we were just hanging out at home.  Grace went to bed for a nap at 1 but had A LOT of trouble going to sleep, and I was so tired as well so Daddy said I could take a nap (about 3 pm) and he made sure Grace knew a nap was necessary for her as well.  We all slept until 6pm!!!  Of course that means late night for Grace.  It's already 9:10 pm and we're watching Sesame Street.  Levi is sleeping in his crib after taking a nap with Daddy, and so Grace and I are just hanging out on the bed.  :)

A fun picture of Grace while we were eating split pea soup for lunch!

Amanda

Picture Updates!

I noticed there haven't been very many pictures lately, so I thought I would add some of Grace and Levi playing together.  She had a lot of fun showing him all her stuffed animals while he laid underneath the gym.  And she also LOVES laying under there with him!

In this one she's having the cow give Levi a kiss!  She's so gentle with him, and I don't have to worry for the most part.  There are those times when the kisses are a bit hard, but for the most part, she does great with Levi.  And absolutely loves giving him kisses.

Amanda

Fun Time!!

Grace had a great time yesterday because she got to go to therapy in the morning and then her friends came over for dinner!!  Grace and her friends Robert and Jordan ran around like crazy monkeys, played in her playroom and just had a great time.  It was nice to see her having fun and I definitely didn't feel like she was being left out.  And today she gets to go to a "Frozen" party with her therapy company!  It's from 6-9 and she's so excited!  

I'm going to start printing pictures and laminating them that will hopefully make a picture schedule that will hopefully help Grace calm down and understand what's going on.  This will really take care of a lot of stress.  And I'm going to figure out some sort of prize system for her getting dressed because it would be really nice to not have to dress her in the morning.  I know she can do it herself so I know that she can handle it...it's just getting her to want to do it!!

All in all, a good day for now.

Amanda 

Changes

Well, I had this whole huge plan of what to write and it was going to be a "dump" of sorts.  Dumping all my thoughts and feelings about the day, but instead, I'm going to make it short.  I don't want to dredge up a tough day.  

I feel like I'm losing my little girl.  I feel like something is taking over her, and that patient, spunky girly just isn't there anymore.  I mean, she's fun and happy and loves everyone and all that, but the flapping of her hands, defiance and inability to follow a conversation is starting to take over.  She used to flap here and there (called Stimming---Like anyone else, people with autism stim to help themselves to manage anxiety, fear, anger, and other negative emotions. Like many people, people with autism may stim to help themselves handle overwhelming sensory input (too much noise, light, heat, etc).  But now it's almost a constant occurrence in our day.  Whenever I try to change her diaper, she rolls side to side as she shakes her head back and forth erratically, and will try to kick me in the face and chest.  I have to physically restrain her feet and/or arms in order to get a diaper on her.  And when you talk to her, for the most part, she ignores me.  I don't know if this is the typical 5 year old attitude or what, but I really feel like her grip with the world is getting lost in a cloud of...I don't know.  Anytime we reprimand she takes it so hard and will run crying to her room and be so emotional.  Or she'll do what you're asking her not to.  

I won't say much more because it makes me sad, but it's tough.  With everything I've read about how children are "typical" until a certain age (or their own personal way of being) and then start struggling and getting more out of tune.  I sure hope this is just a phase, and that it's happening because of the changes going on.

Amanda

Levi's Blog

Here is the link to Levi's blog.  For some reason I can't put it on the side...  hm..

Levi's Blog

Lazy Day

Sheesh, a lazy day for sure.  We didn't go to church today because Levi had me up from 4-5:30 and then Grace had me up at 7 am.  Brad had to be up super early dealing with a dog that had peed on our bed so he didn't get enough sleep either (Levi had us up until 1 am).  So it's pretty much been a day of TV watching and being lazy.  Grace girl took a late nap so she gets to stay up late (we're going to make oatmeal cookies!) and Brad is napping, as well as Levi.  Grace and I learned all about animal footprints today while we played with play dough and wild/farm animal figurines that Dado and Papa bought for her for Christmas.  She had such a great time looking at all the different footprints.  I got really sick late in the afternoon and I think it's because I'm taking too many herbal supplements to increase my milk production.  I am not getting nearly enough to satisfy Levi and so I'm trying to overcompensate, and boy did it hit me hard.  So I took a warm bath while Grace and Levi napped, and near the end of it, Levi came in with me.  

Told ya it was a lazy day!

Amanda

No Time

I hate that I never have time to blog.  I feel like it's a disservice to Grace.  This is a journal for her to read when she's older so she can see what life was like growing up, and now I'm so insanely swamped with a new baby and all the other things that I don't have time to write.  And it's not even that I don't have a single moment.  But when I actually get those moments of peace, I'm SO exhausted or my brain is tired that all I want to do is watch TV.  And that's horrible because this journal is so important.  And I know it's important and I feel so guilty for not updating it.  It's been a hard transition to a family of 4.  I didn't realize it would be this difficult, and there are some days I long for the normalcy that we had before little Levi came.  It's not that I don't love him, which I do, but I was comfortable in the life we had before him.  And now that he's here and dealing with colic, and extremely demanding baby, extreme post partum depression, a lack of appetite which them means my milk decreasing, etc...shew.  Just so much going on and I'm feeling like I'm in the middle of a tornado and don't know how to deal with it.  It's really hard for Brad as well...we are really just struggling and little Grace girl is as well.

I'm really hoping to get through this depression soon.  I'm hoping to stop focusing so much on this and that and this and that that I feel like I should do so I'm a "good" mother, and just focus on what's important for my two kids without the "good" title.  All they need is love :)  And my real time.  And this is what I'm going to try to give them.  Brad is so good at being so relaxed, and just being ok with who he is, but I'm always thinking I'm not good enough.

I love my kids.  I want the best for them.  I want them to have a great mom.  But I need to be sure I don't burn myself out...because that doesn't help anyone.  

It's a crazy life...but we'll make it through.  Grace girl is strong.

Amanda

Grace and Levi

Some pictures of the kiddos. :)

 Our friends came over to visit.  

 There's my girly!  That top is half of the pajamas that Santa brought to her.

 Grace girl again!

 Grace loves holding Levi.  It's so sweet to see how much she wants to help with him.

And then two pictures of little Levi.  

Amanda

Bathtime

Grace has so much fun helping with baby brother's baths!  It's so cute to see how excited she gets when she gets to help with her brother.

Christmas!

A fun Christmas!  Santa was very good to Grace year :)  He did an actual home visit with Mrs. Claus because he loves Grace SO much!  

He brought some yummy chocolates for Grace!!!

 

 Christmas day.  Grace loves holding "her baby."  This red blanket was Grace's when she was born.  Ciara gave it to her for Christmas.

 Here's little Elaine!!

 Grace was so excited to see all the new books.  I'm going to make some activities that go along with the books so that we can have extension activities to use with the books.

And this is the gift from Santa!!  It's a farm stamp set.  She was SO excited to see this.

Amanda