Well, my heart has been speaking to me all day, swarming my mind with thoughts about the past, thankfulness for friends and family, and memories of times that have forever changed my life. I thought I would share...
We have been here in Idaho almost a year. It was so hard to know that we were moving, as I had such good friends. There were a few that were like family, those that were there with me when Grace was having her surgery, those that would share sadness and happiness with me. A friend, so close that she is like a mother to me, who showed me ways that I could protect myself, my life, and my home. A dear friend that lost a part of her family, and lovingly allowed me to share in that sadness with her. The emotions were raw, they were uncensored, and they were true. These are the memories that I will never forget. Visiting the little grave with her, "her spot," will forever be sewn into my heart. This friend has taught me to love with wholeness, never regretting, or desiring more than what you have, and to always appreciate the time you have. Her sweet angel is always with her, and every so often, I see beauties around me that remind me of her sweet smile she always had in her pictures. I had friends that weren't always in the forefront, but were never forgotten, and never overlooked. They have all been such a support in my life, and everyone has their way of how they have changed my life for the better, and I will be forever grateful. When we were packing and getting ready to move, all these friends had smiles, they were all encouraging. I looked for a sign of sadness, and when I looked deep enough, it was there. And when we parted, so were the tears. My heart ached for them, and I have grown to appreciate them from afar, and will never forget them. To also leave my grandparents was heartbreaking. I had been seeing them weekly, seeing their happy faces, the love they showed me and Grace, and I knew I would achingly miss this happiness I shared with them. Still now, my heart aches to be with them at times, sitting around the table laughing and playing dice. I know that I will forever remember these days, and will share some with them as we go to visit. I talk to them daily, trying to express my love for them the best way that I can over a phone.
To leave those you love, is like leaving a part of your heart behind, and never getting those pieces back. Ones heart is never smooth, but is bruised from experiences, chipped from pieces left behind, and mended from forgiveness. My heart is all of these, beating for those I left behind, beating for those with me, and beating for those I've met on my road of life. Though I am not with these wonderful people in body, I am with them in spirit, in mind, and in heart, and will forever be.
When we moved here, it felt so lonely. The days went by, and there seemed to be no light, no new people in our lives. We went about our lives, taking our sweet angel to the hospital to go through clinics that would tell us how her little body is doing, to hopefully give us hope of the future. Then the day came for her to have eye surgery, and again, I felt so empty. But then there came a family. A family with a silver lining, one that showed the light coming through the darkness, the emptiness. They are a beautiful family, and I was happy to find people that made my heart feel warm again. I desired their friendship, and hoped for a happy future with them. Quickly time passed, people became familiar, and the love that I feel for my friends and family back in California once again aroused itself. I could feel it swarming my body, as the wind does as it flows in the soft breeze of fall. Memories of times shared with the family lightly encircle me, like the leaves falling from the trees, colored with shades of happiness. We have now become friends, like family, happy to see one another, and loving one another completely. We were accepted into their lives, and they into ours. We love their children, and they love and adore our sweet Grace. Most importantly, they love our sweet girl for who she is, regardless of the constant struggles that she endures. Their children accept her so openly, and when they see her, their eyes light up, as does hers. I feared for months that she wouldn't be accepted, that we wouldn't be accepted, but Heavenly Father sent us a family, so that we might feel love in the new place we called home. The silver lining was there no more. It was replaced by a bright sun, cascading from the mountains that were moved from our pathway. The sun shines brightly, the happiness and friendship it radiates forever guides us. The light of our Heavenly Father and His love for us, and His desire for us to always feel loved on this earth fills our bodies, our minds, and our spirits.
This family has shown their understanding of Grace, their acceptance, and their love for her and who she is. One day their son, 12 year old Jarik, a boy with a sweet soul, a warm smile, and the heart of an angel, spoke to Grace. She didn't understand him, and he knew this. He looked up at me with his understanding eyes, and asked, "she didn't understand me, right?" I said, "no Jarik, she didn't." He picked her up, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in, and said, "that's ok, she'll still always be pretty." Those tender words melted my heart, and it took everything to not cry in front of him. A boy so young understanding that though this little girl didn't understand, she still wanted love, and he had it to give. Another time, he was at our house on the couch. They were cuddling, her head in the crook of his neck, her arms tight around his wide shoulders. She laid there peacefully, as though she felt peace when being in his arms. He asked her a question, and again, she showed no understanding. And again, he asked me, "she didn't understand me, did she?" And again I replied, "No Jarik, she didn't." "That's ok. I'll still always love her." Again I felt my heart melt, the warmth flowing through my body, my happiness that she's found people to love her for who she is. This little boy, with so much to learn in life, knows the power of love and acceptance. And knows that this little girl, my sweet Grace, just wants people to love her. And he's not the only one, but the entire family has come into our lives and become her protectors, alongside us in the daily desire to help her reach her full potential. Again, we have found those rare gems in life, as I did in California. We found the rare people on this earth that have love to give, without judgement, and without question. There was another time, when his father, Garon, and his wife Mysha, sat with us talking about the future, and what it held for us all. They told us they had been discussing it, about Grace in particular. Already, so many years before the future comes to us, they told us that they would love to take Grace into their home, and love and teach and be there for her while we go on a couple's mission, if that's what we desire to do. I felt an underlying message, telling us that we will be forever together, nothing wavering. They are willing to give their time, and their love, to Grace, and to us. I felt at peace when they said this, happy that we've found what we were looking for, what I was searching and praying for. Every one of their children has shown love towards Grace and to us, in ways that have touched my heart deeply. And what I love most, is that Heavenly Father always has me in the moment, the moment they show her the deepest love possible. Their other son, Kyler, was holding her once. He was so happy, and she was so excited to be in his arms. He looked at her and said, "I just love you Grace!" Just a few simple words that have made an impact in my life, and the life of my daughter. As I write about all these wonderful memories, and so many more, it's hard to keep the emotions back, because it warms me so much. Every time their daughters see her, they light up, with a happiness that is free and loving. I am happy to see their love for her, and I try to show my love for them all as well. They are an important part of our lives, and I am so thankful that Heavenly Father sent them to us. I am so thankful this is where we decided to move, because I don't think we could have found anyone better. My heart still aches for the friends we left behind, and it will forever. But I feel now that we will be ok, that I will be ok.
I feel a surrounding love around me every day, growing increasingly powerful as the days go on. I feel a presence of peace, a desire for continuous happiness, and a strength that lifts my spirits. I am happy to be here with my husband, and my daughter. I feel the peace Brad has now that we've left the stress of California behind. He's happy, and he smiles. He sees his family, as do I. Oh, what a great loss that was for him when we lived so far away, for so long. And now he can see them as often as he'd like, now that we are so close. There are relationships you want to remain strong, for when the person is gone, this relationship you built, this love and desire for them, will be what keeps you strong until you see them again.
Heavenly Father, I thank you so much for all that you've given me. I thank you for family, and friends, and friends that we can call family. I am thankful for my life. And most of all, I am thankful for my husband and daughter, who will, for all eternity, be my forever family.
Amanda
