Grace Walking and My Dreaming

It's crazy how your mind tricks you into seeing what you want so bad. This morning was a tough morning to wake up to because I had SUCH a vivid dream of Grace walking. She was up on her feet as though she'd been walking since 12 months old, and she had no balance issues, no fears, no hesitations. I cried in the dream...cried like a baby, screaming and excited. I FELT like it was real, like I was remembering what I'd seen her do just the day before . But to no avail, I woke to my reality. She was just so real, that I'd rather go back to sleep and have that dream again, over and over, than to wake to reality, because reality is harsh. I just want her to be mobile. On her feet, independent just that little bit more. I want to be able to take her out back and have her play for her first time!! She can't play out there because of all the chicken poop and the dogs always attack her face with their licks, and that's disgusting. I hate how children younger than her that can walk pat her head, like she's a dog or something. I just wanna scream STOP sometimes...I know that's immature, but really. If there was something I could physically do to help her...give a kidney, part of my liver..I would. If that meant she'd walk, than fine. And people do that for their children all the time. When they're sick, they give of themselves. So what's the difference in this situation? My child can't walk, so I will give of myself, fight all the people that have said no to the walker, and get her one. Because doesn't Mom know best? Isn't it mom that has the last say? Then why am I allowing every doctor and therapist to push me around? They aren't the parent!! But how do I know I'm making the right decision with giving her the walker? How do I know I'm making the right decision by NOT giving her the walker?

I emailed her developmental pediatrician. I shared a piece of my mind...nicely...about getting her a walker. I need at least one doctor on my side to make the "working" of all the other ones easier.

These dreams are really taking a toll on me. I've NEVER wanted something more than this. I just wanna see her walk. I want to be able to walk to the park with my daughter, hand in hand rather than her in the stroller. I want to chase her in the stores. I want to watch her run through the grass, her hair blowing in the breeze while she laughs and throws her arms up. That's not asking for the world. It's just asking for her to be free of whatever binds her from not being able to walk on her own...


Amanda